Tuesday Talks: Left Out in the Lifestyle - When Group Dynamics Change

Tuesday Talks: Left Out in the Lifestyle - When Group Dynamics Change | Episode 103

In this episode of The Swing Nation Podcast, the top-rated podcast about non-monogamy and swinging, Dan and Lacy are back with another Tuesday Talks, answering real listener questions from inside the lifestyle.

This week, a listener writes in with something that hits a little deeper — he’s starting to feel left out of his group dynamic. He’s being invited to play less and less, and he’s left wondering what changed, what he might be doing wrong, and how to handle it without making things awkward or damaging relationships.

Dan and Lacy tackle it head-on. They break down the importance of self-reflection (without spiraling), how to check in with your partner in an honest and vulnerable way, and how to approach conversations with friends in the lifestyle when dynamics start to shift. Because sometimes it’s about communication… and sometimes it’s about recognizing when a dynamic has simply evolved.

At the end of the day, it comes down to confidence, clarity, and open communication. Whether you’ve experienced this yourself or worry you might one day, this episode gives you the tools to navigate changing group dynamics the right way.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This podcast is intended for adult audiences. Over the age of 18. It contains adult language and situations. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to us, and not of any employer, organization, committee, or other group or individuals. This podcast is not intended to be taken as professional advice.

SPEAKER_03 0:22

Welcome to the Swing Nation Podcast, a podcast by swingers for swingers, where we look to educate others and push back on the negative stigmas and misconceptions associated with our lifestyle. Come with us and share our pineapple journey as we travel the globe. Interview the experts. Learn and grow together. Join the nation.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Just do your questions. Tuesday talks. Tuesday talks.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Talkin' Tuesday with Dan and Lacey. Ooh, how about that high note?

SPEAKER_03 1:07

That's perfect. Hey there, pineapple people, and welcome to the Swing Nation podcast. We are your hosts, Northern Guy.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

And Southern Girl.

SPEAKER_03 1:14

And we are back with another rendition of Tuesday Talks.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

We are.

SPEAKER_03 1:19

Talking Tuesday. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

With Dan and Lacey. The beautiful Lacey with an L.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Are you trying to do that?

SPEAKER_03 1:28

Yeah, I don't know who they keep people keep calling you Wacy. Wacey with a W. I know. Why they do that? That is strange to me.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

So crazy.

SPEAKER_03 1:36

Um that's not even a real name, I don't think.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

No.

SPEAKER_03 1:39

Uh okay, so you have the phone.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

I do.

SPEAKER_03 1:42

And you're gonna play us this week's Tuesday talk question.

SPEAKER_01 1:47

It's a little long-winded. Stick with us, though.

SPEAKER_03 1:49

I think it's a good, it's a good question.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Hey, Anna Lady Sean. Tuesday talk for you about how to navigate some uh group dynamics. The wife and I have been in the lifestyle for about four years now, and we've had this good group of friends for about three years that we've developed. And you know, the group is comprised of singles and couples and polypopes and all kinds of stuff, and because of those dynamics, uh when we're all together, we kind of all operate as singles, which has worked out pretty well for all of us, um for the most part, but as the group has grown and shrunk and people have been added or subtracted for whatever reason, um, and dynamics have changed, um lately I've been noticing for myself personally, I feel like if I don't invite myself into play, especially group play, I'm not being invited. And I can't help but stop to think that maybe, you know, what you're offering isn't what everybody else is looking for. Um in group house party scenarios, that's fine because I have open access to you know all the playmates and invite myself, but found myself a couple times in some group settings where they're in couples areas or whatever, and you know, if my wife is joined a group over here and I've kind of chased a group over there, but not actually invited into play, I can't, you know, walk into some couples areas and feel a little bit left out sometimes. Um ultimately though, the wife and I are good, and that's all good and fine. I dandy is just how to navigate some of these group situations that can get a little complex and making sure that everybody's involved. So looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the matter.

unknown 3:54

Uh thanks.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Great question.

SPEAKER_03 3:58

All right. So that that that's a a a good question. It it was a little, you know, there was a lot of explanation there. But if I understand, um, he's from the the Northwest and him and his wife uh sounds like they're pretty more of like an open relationship, or at least when they play, they they operate what he said is in singles. It's not they're not a same room full swap. They they do separate rooms, usually they're with a friend group, and the the friend group will break, you know, split up, and one you know, people will go this way and that way, and they kind of just get in where they can fit in is kind of the the playstyle, which we've done some house parties that were kind of like that, where we kind of played in that aspect. Um, but what he's saying is group dynamics have changed a little bit over the last couple of years, and he's finding himself being left out of the um play. Yeah. Where you know the group splits up, one group goes one way, one group goes another way, and he kind of not only is he not invited, but then if they go into a play space where it's couples only and he wasn't invited, he can't even go in there to get back with his wife, right? So, like she's kind of he's he's left out from even finding his wife again.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:08

Uh, and so that makes him feel a little left out.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

I think this conversation can be had, you just apply it to your your situation. So, like, for instance, if you're a couple and you feel like you're not getting invited, or if you're a single and you feel like you're not, I think you can apply this however the situation fits you, right? I think the same answer goes uh kind of across the board, at least for me, I feel like. And and let's be honest, we all we all struggle with feeling left out.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

We've all felt left out.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

I mean, honestly, I am like the queen of that. I think about it daily. About like, I mean, and now you and we can think about us, for instance. Like now we have like, because only fans, we have like these content creator houses, and not everybody's gonna be invited to every single one. They're not supposed to, there's just that variety. So then you see all your friends posting about this, you know, thing, and now you're not invited, and you get your feet, they all met up for a weekend somewhere, and you're like, well, they didn't even know. So like I we all can apply this to our situation, you know. I think being a you know, a single or however, so I think it it kind of we all we've all been there, is what I'm trying to say, right? Basically. Um, and I think you kind of walk a fine line between, hey guys, where y'all going? Can I come? Versus sitting back and waiting. Nobody wants to be that person that's inserting themselves or you know, trying to to force their way in when they people don't really you don't really want to be that guy or that girl, but you also don't want to be like left out in the corner. You almost have to kind of take your own situation by in your own hands and sort of make something happen. So I think that's probably the hardest thing about this is figuring out how to walk that line between, you know, kind of putting yourself out there and not being too pushy.

SPEAKER_03 7:00

Yeah. No, I I think, you know, if I think about our experiences, I think reading the room and understanding where you're wanted and not wanted. Um, I've seen people that are really, really good at this and people that are really, really bad at that, right? And somebody that's not good at reading the room or reading people's body language um and try to put themselves in a situation where they're not necessarily wanted, that's that's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable for everybody. It's uncomfortable for the person that's trying to insert themselves, it's uncomfortable for the people that are trying to keep a person from inserting themselves. Uh, it's a bad situation.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

And let's be real, those people can be your friends. Like it doesn't have to be somebody that you just don't like, it can be somebody that you care about and you you just don't want to fuck them. And you might just not want to fuck them that night. And that's okay. You know, it we've kind of adopted a policy where like everybody's invited. So I mean, obviously, if you're having like a private house party, that that's different. But like when we go to an orgy bed or whatever, we tend to just whoever wants to come, come. And and that's can has ruffled some feathers because some people are like, well, I don't want to go if they're going because I don't feel comfortable. We don't participate in that. We in this lifestyle, you're gonna have to learn how to have a voice. And if you don't, then you then that's not my problem. You know, that's something that you need to work on and kind of figure out. And so I can go into an orgy space with everybody there. I'm only gonna fuck the people that I want to. Right. And I'm not gonna feel bad about telling someone no thank you or not engaging with someone. If I if I don't want to have sex with you, I care about me and my body and my sexual health and my like my more than I care about anything else. So if I have to say no, thank you, and that might hurt. I'm sorry if that might hurt your feelings. That's kind of like a risk we take when we ask someone to engage, you know? And so that's kind of how we play. We tend to just let everyone come and try not to exclude anyone. And then it's up to the individual person to to to kind of navigate that, which I do get that that is hard.

SPEAKER_03 9:15

Yeah. No, I I think if you're in this lifestyle that finding your voice that you you speak of and being able to be in a space and tell somebody no thank you is a key um skill that I think everybody in this space needs to have. Uh, I also think everybody in this space needs to have um be able to accept no thank you without taking it personally and and getting your feelings hurt. And I realize that's easier to say than it is to do. I mean, I've had people tell me no thank you. And uh, you know, it's hard to hear that.

SPEAKER_01 9:49

And it's somebody that you care about and that wants to have sex with you, that enjoys having like maybe they're just having an off night.

SPEAKER_03 9:56

Right. And that that can be a hard answer, but I think we need to normalize that communication and and saying no thank you. Because the the other option is you go along with it, and now you're having some sex with somebody that you didn't really want to have sex with, right? And nobody, nobody wants to one be in that situation, but but you shouldn't want to also not want to put somebody in that situation, right? The last thing I want to do is somebody to like pity fuck me. Yeah, uh, that that I have zero desire to be somebody's pity fuck. So I would much rather somebody tells me, hey Dan, like I appreciate the offer, but I'm good right now. Yeah, I'm just taking a break for a minute. Yeah, let me take a break for a minute. Uh, you know, yeah, move along with that.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

I would I would much rather have honesty than like have sex with somebody that maybe wasn't 100%. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:41

So, you know, to get something a little bit at the core of his question, it seems like what he's saying is he's finding himself invited into these spaces less and less. Yeah. And so I'm curious why, you know, he didn't I don't know this person and I don't know what he's going through. I have no idea, but maybe some self-reflection. Like, so my goal, you know, when I engage with other people in a swinger environment, I want to bring the best to that situation that I I want to be desired, right? So I want to give them the best experience, right? And so I think as swingers, we do things like take care of our personal hygiene, uh, you know, take care of our physical appearance, take care of our health, you know, uh, you know, make sure that your dick's working. Right, your dick's working, right? Like uh, you know, if you need help with that, make sure you have the medications and things you need to take care of that. Uh so you know, maybe this person needs to do some self-reflection and saying, okay, I'm not getting invited into these spaces. Why? Well, am I putting my best self forward? Right. Am I when I am invited into these spaces, am I making sure that I'm not being selfish and I'm I'm a giver and I'm making sure, you know, when I engage with girls that they're having orgasms and I'm not just laying there and being like, get on my get on my dick.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:58

So maybe there's some of that, right? So maybe there's a reason. Maybe he needs to do some self-reflection and make sure he's he's putting his best foot forward. Um, you know, I often feel that there's a huge need for more males in the spaces that we Especially males that can get hard. Yeah. I I often feel in these, you know, house parties and group parties and orgies that there's not enough good dick going around. You know what I mean? And so um, you know, maybe look at at some of that.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

Yeah. I do also want to talk about, we talk about in the lifestyle communication, right? But primarily we're talking about communication with our partner, right? You know, we are talking about how we feel, we are talking about if we want to do this, what how we, you know, how do we navigate it, all that. I think where the lifestyle struggles is communicating with other people outside of your spouse. So if you are, if you are having, obviously, this is something that's important to you as to you, but you've you called in and and asked for advice. And it sounds like you have this pretty amazing friend group that you kind of curated over years. I say normalize going to your friends and saying, hey, this has been heavy on my mind. What is it something that I can improve on? Is there something going on? I want to encourage people to just talk to each other, you know? And if you have a friend group that that weirds them out, well then maybe that's a good sign that you need to find a new friend group. You know, I mean, we should normalize having adult conversations about sex and about how we're feeling and about what's going on. And so, you know, I think I don't, you don't want to be the drama. You don't want to be an issue, you don't want to always have something going on. But if you have a situation that you kind of let sit and you've marinated on it and you can't quite figure out what's going on, and it's something that is genuinely bothering you, you should be able to go to someone and say, This is how I'm feeling, and and this is why I'm feeling this way. Can we kind of walk through that? And if the person is a good person and cares about you, they should be willing to have that conversation with you. And I think a lot of times in the lifestyle, we tend to kind of gloss over a lot of this. We tend to not have some of these hard conversations. Instead of telling someone, hey, I like you, but I'm just not that I don't want to fuck you, instead of having those conversations, we tend to avoid, we tend to kind of sweep things under the rugs. We don't want to hurt people's feelings. And I think sometimes, sometimes conversations need to be had. And so if you've done all this self-reflecting and you've and you're just still not feeling like you can figure it out, maybe it's time to have a conversation.

SPEAKER_03 14:41

Yeah. And I I can also get the, you know, he's part of this friend group and it's been evolving and people have come and gone. And, you know, I can think of even you, we have a very, very large friend group. But of that friend group, there's probably a a few males that you are genuinely like excited about engaging with, right? Yeah. Only a you know, a handful of males that you get really excited about engaging with. So I can think of there's been nights where you know we're getting ready to go to an orgy or go to a playroom or something, and you're like, you know what? I kind of have a feel for who's going, and I'm just not that excited about that.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

And uh I'd rather just stay in the room and fuck you and go to bed.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

And and it's not anything like personal towards anybody. I mean, I could have fucked them and they could be a great time. It's just I'm not overly excited about it. And I I don't think there's anything wrong with that, you know? So I I think you can be friends with someone and you can care about them. You could also not want to fuck them, and that'd still be okay.

SPEAKER_03 15:40

Yeah, no, I think so too. And then so I can see if this friend group has evolved, maybe some of the girls that he connected with aren't there anymore, or maybe you know, they've their situations have changed, or and we've seen our friend groups kind of evolve.

SPEAKER_01 15:53

Some go, some come, some come back, you know, and and that's okay. And that's kind of what keeps it fun and exciting, to be honest with you. And so maybe this friend group has ran its course and you need to kind of branch out, and maybe you need to find other things. I would encourage you to come back with your together with your partner a little, because like if I went into a playroom and Dan couldn't get in and I'm out there getting dicked down and having the best time, and I know my husband's out there, like that makes me kind of sad. And that's sort of like I know people play separately and everybody has their dynamic, and I'm not here to say one dynamic is better than the other. But for me personally, that's what I love about the lifestyle is I have a partner in crime. So, like, if you are feeling left out, you can just fuck the shit out of me and we can have a, you know, like I'm always got your back and I'm always there. So, like maybe you and your partner need to come back together and kind of, I don't know, re-evaluate. I I don't I don't feel like that's not a lot of people.

SPEAKER_03 16:55

No, I think that I think that's the perfect suggestion.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

I don't want to like, I don't want to like yuck anyone's young because I do get some people don't like playing with their partner and they like it being separately, but I feel otherwise. And but that doesn't make one right or wrong. I love having that partner dynamic. That's what makes it fun to me. If I'm having a bad night or feeling off, I have you there to kind of build me up and help me out. If you're gone, fucking the shit out of some girl and I'm like by myself. That's kind of is not what this is about for me. Everybody has a different reason, like why they're in the lifestyle. For me, it's about us and our relationship and enhancing it and building it. And if you're gone and I'm just sitting there by myself, it that's not really doing that for me.

SPEAKER_03 17:35

Well, and maybe it's you know that that they do need to have a conversation about that because if the friend group dynamic has changed to the point where he's finding himself left out more of something than not, well, he she might know, but also maybe now is the time to change back to a same-room couple so that so that they can make, you know, but if it what if it was before everybody was hooking up and having fun and there was no issues or problems, then I get the playing separately, right? So, like when we do um house parties and stuff and we have a good friend group and and we know where you get connect with basically everybody, sometimes we'll end up in different rooms and and fucking and stuff, and that's fine. Um, but if the situation with their friend group has changed where he's feeling left out more and more, maybe they do need to make sure that they're always in the same room so that his wife does know that he is, you know, taken care of, so to speak, and not being left out.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Yeah, I can't have I wouldn't be able to have fun if I knew that you were feeling left out and like you couldn't even get in and you're out there like I'm not saying he's out there twiddling his thumb, but like lack of a better way to explain this, you know, you're just kind of sitting out there like, okay, well, what am I but that would make me sad. Right. So I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 18:44

Right. So if the friend group dynamic has changed enough to where this play style isn't working for them anymore, maybe they do need to readjust their play style. Um, all right. Any uh what any other advice you'd give for him?

SPEAKER_01 18:56

No, I think I think that's it. I obviously we don't know your whole story, we don't know the whole situation. We are speaking in very general terms. Um, I'm sure you're a great guy and have lots of things to offer. So I don't I just want to throw that out there.

SPEAKER_03 19:09

No, for sure. Uh yeah, end of the day, it's communication, right? So it sounds like, like you said, maybe he needs to talk to his partner. Um, maybe he needs to talk to his friends, uh, and then maybe, you know, a little self-assessment. And I think if he does those three things, I'm sure with just a couple little tweaks, uh, he'll be back on a successful journey and living his best life. Yes. All right. And uh anything else on that? No, that's it. Okay. If you have a Tuesday talk question, we would love to hear from you.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

There's we need some voicemails, guys. We need voicemails. Uh, we had to dig kind of deep for that one. That was like a month or two old. So uh we send call in, give us some information.

SPEAKER_03 19:51

Right. So if you would like to reach out, a few different ways, you can email us at theswing nation at gmail.com, theswing nation at gmail. You can send voice notes, right? So if you want to just record it on your phone ahead of time and send us a voice note, you can do that. Another thing I thought of is if you want to send a video clip that you're okay with us sharing, we can actually put it up here on the big screen.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:13

So we could play your video.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

So if you're comfortable, obviously you have to be comfortable with the code.

SPEAKER_03 20:17

You have to be comfortable. So I'm gonna hear um right there, right? So we have this big screen right here. I could flip to that camera. We could play your video where you asked the question and we could answer it that way. Obviously, that's only gonna work if you're watching this on YouTube, but even the people that are on um you know, listening on audio, you'll still hear the question. So uh that could work. Uh so then maybe maybe try a few of those if you want to be featured on the Swing Nation podcast. Uh, and then obviously the other way is to call or text, and that phone number is 972-302-7716. One more time.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

972-302-7716.

SPEAKER_03 20:58

All right. So no matter how you want to get a hold of us, get us those questions. We'd love to hear from you. Tuesday talks has become um its own thing. It's it's definitely part of the podcast, it's an essential part, and we appreciate it you, and we can't do it without your participation. So please call, text, uh, and send in those videos and voice notes. Yep. All right, anything else for the swing nation listeners? I think with that, in a world full of apples.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

Be the pineapple.

SPEAKER_03 21:26

Be the pineapple, guys.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Bye.

SPEAKER_03 21:28

Bye. If you've enjoyed our podcast and want to support us, leave a five-star review wherever you're listening. If you want to see more of our content, you can find links to Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, OnlyFans, and more in the show notes. Come join the conversation with us and other Twinger content creators on our Twinger Society Discord server. If you have questions or feedback, email them to us at thustwination at gmail.com. Make sure you head on over to dustwination.net and keep up To date on all things, Swing Nation. We thank you so much for joining us, and we'll see you next time. Goodbye.