Tuesday Talks: Our Friends Played Without Us...Now What?

Tuesday Talks: Our Friends Play Without Us...Now What? | Episode 111

In this Tuesday Talks episode, a listener shares that she and her husband have a couple they play with regularly — but when that couple recently played with someone else, she found herself feeling left out, hurt, and unsure how to handle it.

Dan and Lacy unpack why these feelings are completely valid, while also explaining that unless there is a polyamorous or exclusive agreement in place, their friends didn’t do anything wrong. In the lifestyle, couples often build close connections while still having the freedom to explore with others.

This episode offers practical advice on managing jealousy, keeping perspective, protecting the friendship, and having an open, honest conversation without placing blame. Dan and Lacy also share how to approach these moments with curiosity instead of insecurity, so one uncomfortable feeling doesn’t turn into unnecessary drama.

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Transcript

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This podcast is intended for adult audiences. Over the age of 18. It contains adult language and situations. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to us, and not of any employer, organization, committee, or other group or individuals. This podcast is not intended to be taken as professional advice. Welcome to the Swing Nation Podcast, a podcast by swingers for swingers, where we look to educate others and push back on the negative stigmas and misconceptions associated with our lifestyle. Come with us and share our pineapple journey as we travel the globe. Interview the experts. Learn and grow together. Join the nation. Tuesday talks. Just do your questions to Dan and the next day. Tuesday talks. Tuesday talks. Talking Tuesday with Dan and Lacey. Ooh, how about that high note? That's perfect. Hey there, Pineapple people, and welcome to the Swing Nation podcast. We are your host, Northern Guy. Southern Girl. And we are back with another Tuesday talk episode. With Doug and Wacy. Talking Tuesday with Doug and Wacy. Could you imagine if somebody just listened to the podcast for the first time and they're like, who's Doug and Wacy? Doug and Wacy, and you just introduced yourself as Dan and Welcome, wait, wait, yeah. Pineful people, and welcome to Twin Apartment. We're your guests. We're your hosts. Oh, I Northern Guy and Southern Girl. And then we said Doug and Wacy. Totally threw us all off. Sorry. It's late. The Doug and Wacy thing is gaining traction. It is. You know, if you listen to Thursday's episode, we talked about Salt Lake City. We must have heard Doug and Wacy a hundred times if we heard it one time. I know. We did. We heard it a lot. Which I'm not, I don't mind it. No. I like that we have an inside joke. I do. Us and our listeners are in on an inside joke. Yeah. I appreciate that. That means people listen. That means they care and they are in the know about what we're messing with each other about. Agreed. Yeah. Okay. So you don't know where this week's Tuesday talk is. I have no idea. You flipped a script on me. Yeah. Listen, we we got it's 10 o'clock at night. We got a flight to catch in the morning. We got shit to do, places to be. I was like, I know which one it is. We're just gonna do it. And honestly, this one's a doozy. And it I read it the other day and it stuck with me. We got a couple of really good ones this week. So thank you that sent them. This one stuck with me. So if you if you don't know, Lacey is monitoring the swinger side of your phone now. So she's seeing everything. You send your dicks, you send your boobs, you send uh uh a coke can in your vagina. Lacey sees it. It was not a coke can. If anybody was wondering, it was not a coke can. It's like a 12-ounce Celsius or something, yeah. So that that was just to clarify that, right? Just to clarify that. Um, but this one actually came in through our buzz sprout email, like a fan mail. Yes. I don't even know you had access to that. Yeah, it comes through our email. Okay. So we have no way to respond to you, but we can see that. Right. Yeah. People don't understand that. You you know, so if you're looking on um Apple Podcasts and there's a button that says message us or text us or something, it does text us, but there's no reply button. Yeah, there's no way for us to text you back through that. Because people have been like, what should I wear to the club? What outfit or what time? When does the club open? And it's like, we can't, it doesn't give us your number. There's no way for us to respond. Yeah. Okay. So this one came in and it's kind of a doozy. It's stuck with me over the last two days because like my knee jerk reaction was one thing. And then as I thought about it, it's I don't know. I think we've all been here. So I think it's a really good one. Um, and it's different than what we usually get. Okay, Tuesday talk questions. Hey Dana Lacey, this is Jay from Texas. My husband and I have been active in the lifestyle for just under a year. We have lifestyle besties that we hang out with inside and outside the bedroom. They are soft swap and we are full swap. They have mentioned that they feel like they are holding us back because of our different play styles. The truth is we prefer playing with them because we are super picky and we have told them this. Last week, the female half of us told us in advance that she didn't want to play with us at a party because she wanted to play with another couple and asked how we felt about it. I told her that it hurts to be left out and I wish we were included. Even if it's just watching or parallel play, the last time we full swapped, we asked them to come watch parallel play. My message was ignored. We met up at the party, hung out until the other couple arrived about 15 minutes later, and the four of them took off and left my husband and I behind. We didn't see them again until the end of the night. I was am hurt by the fact that my feelings weren't addressed or even acknowledged. We haven't spoken to each other since the party. I don't want to lose them as friends, but I also feel like an apology is warranted. Am I being too clingy? How do I go about bringing the bridging the gap, or should I continue to wait for them to make the first move? Thanks, Jay. She is not gonna like my answer. I'm sorry, Jay. She's not gonna like my answer. Let me okay. So first I'm not that her feelings are not warranted. That was gonna be my that was gonna be my I am the sensitive one in Dan and I's relationship. So my feelings would also be hurt. Um, I think your feelings are valid. I think this is a very slippery, slippery slope that a lot of people in the lifestyle find themselves getting caught up in. And you have to put forth a lot of like you have to have boundaries in order to not do this. And honestly, the people that end up being this are not my favorite. And I don't mean that any way negative, Jay, because I'm sure you're a lovely lady and I'm sure you just enjoy hanging out with your friends and you mean no harm. Um, but I I don't think your friends probably handled it the best way, but I don't think they did anything wrong, if you want my honest opinion. Yeah, so this is totally a thing in a lifestyle, especially with the lifestyle bestie things, is you know, you get attached to people, you get close to people, um, and sometimes those people are gonna go do things that don't involve you, and and your feelings are gonna get it hurt, and that is completely warranted and justified. And I have no problem with you even saying, hey, when you guys went and did that thing with that other couple, you know, my feelings are hurt. And hey, you know, we've when we've had other couples in the past that wanted to play with us, we've always kind of sent you an invite or whatever. Um, and so the fact that you didn't reciprocate that yeah, hurts my feelings. I have no problem with that being a conversation. If that's a conversation you want to have with your friends, that's a grown-up, normal conversation, right? And should and in this case, I think, and I think you tr maybe tried. Um, they probably didn't know how to do it. If they are truly your lifestyle bestie, I think I feel like you owe it to them to have that conversation. You shouldn't just end it because you're mad and you don't want to talk to each other and you don't want to act like adults and like let's talk this out. Because if you if they are your best friends, you at least need to have the conversation. Now, maybe the conversation goes in a bad direction and you decide that you know you initially usually the way you know we've been doing this long enough now. Usually what will happen is you guys might take a break. Yeah. Right? You're gonna you're gonna you're upset about this. Try to have the feeling. You might not be besties for a while, you might hang out with some different couples for six months, you know, it could be even be a year. Um, but at some point in time, you're gonna probably realize like this wasn't that big a deal to the point where we should ruin our friendship over this. Let's make amends, and then you end up, who knows, you end up being best friends again. We've seen all of this happen um throughout the last decade, you know. So I've been thinking all week about like the the couple, you know, that the the J lady said that she had met a couple and they really hit it off and they wanted to swap or some sort of something. And she ended up inviting that their friends to come with them. And I've thought a lot about that new couple that that got this random couple brought in with them. And you, you know, I think that she that's weird, you know. Like, could you imagine you've hit it off with this couple and you're so excited to go back in their room or wherever you decide, and they're like, oh, by the way, our besties are coming. Like that's it's almost like uh like a crutch. And listen, I have best friends, like us and Daphne and Mike, we're very similar in this case. Like we but we also try to give each other room and respect that if they want to go do something, they can, or if they you know, if if if we're doing a group thing and if they want to come, if they they can come to that. But like I would never like do like a four-way swap with somebody and then just invite them. I think that would be like a little off off, it would be off-putting if I was that new couple coming in. No, I I agree, and I think this is where you're getting from the the realm of swinger into the world of Polly. Yeah. And in swinger spaces, like what you're saying, if a if a couple approaches you, starts to flirt with you and your husband, and maybe this other couple isn't even close to you at the time, and then you get to the point where they're like, Hey, you want to go come back to our room, are you then gonna say, Yeah, but we gotta bring our friends? Yeah, that's weird. That is weird. That's one thing if you're a poly couple and everybody there knows you're a poly couple, and that you know, if you one one couple plays, you all play together, and that's or otherwise, even if you're a swinging couple and that's how you play, you almost need to make sure that that's known to everybody, right? Because it they can you can't just assume because a couple wants to play with you, they're totally cool with your friends coming along with you. Yeah, like that's that's that's not fair to anybody that's engaging with you because they're not gonna probably realize that until you bring your friends and you say, Oh, hey, these are our friends, they always come to all of our swaps. Yeah, that's weird. Like, uh and also, like if you're going to like these seems like your friends, it seems like you hang out with them quite often. And if you're going to a party where now you have new people, why wouldn't you want to find new people? You if you can swap with your friends that I'm assuming live down the road from you whenever you kind of want, or whatever version of, because I don't think y'all full swap, so whatever you're doing with this couple, why wouldn't you want to meet new people? You know, that that's also another thing. And it might be it might be that we're in this for different reasons. So this is me and Lacey's take. And by no means is this the right answer, right? You can engage in this lifestyle however you want to. We're not trying to tell you how to do it. If your way of engaging is you have lifestyle besties and you and your lifestyle besties are a quad when it comes to play all the time, cool. I do think you need to make that clear to anybody ahead of time that is approaching you about playing that they know before they ask you to go play. I don't think that they really even know that, though, in this case. It sounds like they're still debating this. Yeah. So uh, but back to I I I lost my train of thought too. You said this is a valid form of play, and that's fine. But for you and I, that's not that's not our style. Yeah. For me and you, the whole reason we're in the lifestyle is because we like exploring new things. Yeah, we like trying new things, we like fucking new people, we like having sex in places we've never done it before. The we like the variety of the swinger's lifestyle. But not every swinger is that way, and that is 100% fine. Yeah, I think is what you're trying to say. At the end of the day, when me and you are exploring, we're exploring together. And as long as me and you are on the same page about what we want to do and how we want to explore, that's all that matters at the end of the day. That's something that I've tried to explain to a lot of people that are new in the lifestyle and they come to us and they're like, I think, listen, I care about other people. I am a softy, I don't want anybody to feel left out. I don't want any, I don't want to feel left out. I don't want anybody to like, I want you to be happy when you leave here. But at the end of the day, as long as Dan and I are okay and we're on the same page, that's what this is about. No other couple, they they can be around us and be a part of us, but it's about you and I and our connection and our fun and what we're having. We we have inadvertently hurt people's feelings. We have. I couldn't tell you how many times. And but you know what's good? Our marriage. Our marriage is good. Yeah, and but and I feel bad about that, but but sometimes it's it's just not my fault because you had this own thing in your head that you thought it should go that way, you never communicated that to us, and so we did something unbonounced that we didn't know was even a problem for you, and you got your feelings hurt. To me, that's really more of a you problem than it is a me problem. Yeah, and and it sucks, and it's hard to say that. And that doesn't mean we can't have compassion for people, and we it that doesn't mean that we can't understand when people get their feelings hurt, and it doesn't mean we can't have an adult conversation when the stuff like that happens. But for me and Lacey, we're here to explore me and Lacey. Yeah, we don't want a third to explore with, we don't want a fourth to explore with, we don't want a group that we always that are always there and always have to be there when we explore. Me and Lacey are exploring as a couple that's me and and Lacey. Yeah. Um, and and if you want to be a quad with this couple, at least when it comes to having sex, you need to have that conversation first with this couple. Well, first with your partner, and make sure your and your partner both agree to that. Second with this couple, make sure the four of you agree with that, and then you need to communicate that to then every other couple that you engage with. Yeah. And god damn, it's hard to make a connection as two. I can't imagine, because listen, maybe this couple they went and soft swapped with, because I think they were this the couple that went off on their own on their own were the soft swap couple, right? Yeah, maybe they weren't attracted to you guys. Yeah, like that sucks, but maybe they weren't, right? Maybe that couple they went and they're but y'all are really good friends and they don't want to ruin the friends. I mean, honestly. Maybe they had a conversation with that couple and said, Hey, do you mind if they go along and they're like, uh, we like them, but we just don't, we're not into them in that way. Do they have to come? And they're like, No, they don't really have to. It we'll figure it out. Yeah, what I think honestly, just to like sum this all up, what I think happened is you have found a couple that you connect with in and out of the lifestyle, and you became really good friends with, and you're trying to navigate how to continue the friendship and also play separately and sometime together. And your friends hit it off with someone else. And instead, they didn't know how to handle it because these listen, these are all new emotions. This is not something you you said you've only been in it less than a year. I've we've been in it for a lot longer, and we even struggle with these emotions. It's hard to look at your best friends and be like, hey guys, we're gonna go fuck someone else tonight. I'm so really sorry you're not invited. That's a hard conversation to have. So, what I think happened is instead of them saying that, she just kind of dipped and went and had a fun night. And is it make it right? No. Does it make what you did right? No. Were you both probably in the wrong? Yes. Do you all have really good intentions? Yes. Is everybody just trying to get laid and have fun? Yes. But these are hard conversations. And it shit just happens. But if you value the friendship, I definitely think it's worth talking about it. Right. That would be my advice. So if you if you're if you want Dan and Lacey's take, go back to your friends, explain to them why your feelings are hurt. Say, hey, you know, maybe we misunderstood, but we were kind of under the impression that the four of us engage in swinging together, or at least at the very minimal, extend an invite. Um, that clearly didn't happen this time. Are we misunderstanding? Is that not our, you know, what that just sounds weird. I can't. But I mean, if that's how she feels, she should at least say say it. She should say it out. I mean, if somebody said that to me, I'd probably shit. I'm not, I mean, I I because you should never assume that just because your friends are going, that you should be able to go. Unless for some reason you got you, you are a friend group and you're a quad and you've agreed that that's how you're replaced. I don't get the vibe that I get the vibe that this is just two new couples that are just learning how to navigate this and struggling with the city. I think you're probably right. Yeah. But what I'm saying is if that is what they want to do, to do that effectively, or to do that, yeah, you need to have the conversation. Because like, I mean, you what you said is correct. I mean, I'm getting back into it, but like what you said was correct. Like, imagine if, you know, this was the J Girl and the per the couple that you know that she wanted to invite back with them was like, like you said, you know, they're just I they're not my vibe. They seem cool people. And then like, what do you do? How do you tell your best friend that this guy doesn't want to fuck you? You know, that's weird, it's hard. And so they probably just like just snuck away and did it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We've done it. We've done we've been in that exact way. We have done this. We have done this with really good intentions. Like we weren't trying to be in hurtful or mean or anything. It just kind of sucks sometimes. It's a lose loose, right? You either sneak away and do it, and then your friends get their hair feelings hurt, especially if you guys have kind of established this you always play together thing, right? Or you have to say, Yeah, they're not into you, and we want to fuck them anyway. So we're gonna go do a hurt your friends, right? So, like it's a lose lose. Yeah, so they tried to do it and not hurt your feelings. It but we don't even know if that's actually what happened. Maybe they just wanted to be some some space with them alone, but yeah, but anyway, it could have been a new couple that we didn't know that other couple and just were nervous, you know. And I also think you know, get your feelings out of for a minute, stop and think what if you encounter a couple that you're really into and you ask them to play, and then you try to invite their friends, and they say, No, we want to play with you guys, but not them. Yeah, what are you gonna do? Yeah, right? Yeah, and and what was the expectation there? You gotta you gotta think about it from that way as well. No, I think these are all valid points. Jay, we love you. And listen, this isn't in no way like an attack. I think you're probably a lovely lady, and I I think we've anybody that's been in the lifestyle has literally been in your shoes, and I hope it all I hope everything works out. Talk to your friends, yeah, get on the same page, fix it. At the end of the day, it's just sex, it's not worth breaking up with you. Apparently, you guys were good friends. Um, just because they went and had sex with somebody else isn't a reason to end that friendship. Talk it out like adults, have a good conversation going forward about how you guys are gonna handle your rules and boundaries together with your friends, and uh go have some fun. Go fuck some people. Yeah. Um, that would be my advice. Yep. All right. Anything else for the swing nation listeners? I think that's it. All right, I think with that, wait, we gotta tell them how to call in. We could use your questions. We could. If you have a can you can tell we're tired. Yeah. Uh if you have a Tuesday talk question, we would love to hear from you. There's a few different ways to get you can get a hold of us. You can email us at theswing nation at gmail.com. Or you can call or text or send nudes or send me boobs and vaginas to this phone number, and it is 972-302-7716. One more time. 972-302-7716. All right. So please, please give us your questions. We can we love them. Lacey's got a phone in her hand all the time now, and she's gonna she's gonna get it. Yeah. All right, anything else for the Swing Nation listeners now? I think that's it. All right, guys. I think with that, in a whirl full of apples. Be the pineapple. Be the pineapple. Bye. Bye. If you've enjoyed our podcast and want to support us, leave a five-star review wherever you're listening. If you want to see more of our content, you can find links to Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, OnlyFans, and more in the show notes. Come join the conversation with us and other Twinger content creators on our Twinger Society Discord server. If you have questions or feedback, email them to us at thustwingation at gmail.com. Make sure you head on over to thustwingnation.net and keep up to date on all things Twing Nation. We thank you so much for joining us and we'll see you next time. Goodbye.